One Step At A Time – A Continuation In My Healing Journey

I began physical therapy yesterday morning. It has been roughly six weeks since I had my surgery to repair my achilles tendon after my work injury, and that time spent at home, not able to do much of anything, was really difficult. It still is difficult. 

I have had a really hard time accepting where my life is at right now pertaining to my injury. I have gone through moments of contentment with my situation, and I have been through moments where all I can do is cry out asking God why this had to happen and what His plan could possibly be through this horrible accident. I have been frustrated and hurt, in more ways than one. I struggle daily to get up and have a positive mindset about where I am at, and I truly didn’t know or value what I had, until it was taken from me. The biggest of these things being my basic ability to move and walk. 

Directly after my surgery, I could barely get out of bed. I was in so much pain. I had a heavy cast on my foot that made moving around, even with crutches, hard. All I could do was sit. I can’t tell you how tired I am of sitting. 

My husband was left with the brunt of all of the household chores and duties, seeing as I could barely carry my phone from one room to another. He has been a saint as far as the dishes,laundry, cooking, and cleaning go. I want more than anything to help him, and it is so frustrating that I can’t. We just got married three and a half months ago, and neither of us expected this to be what our newlywed season would turn into. It has, however, taught me how to rely on my husband and how to appreciate him. He does so much without needing to be asked, oftentimes without thanks. I cannot express how blessed I am to have him. I couldn’t have gotten through this without his constant presence and support, or his goofy personality and how he can always make me laugh. 

As the days stretch on, I find that the routine I had set up for myself before my injury is slowly slipping away. Keeping that rhythm when there is nothing to do and nowhere to go takes a lot of self discipline that I don’t have right now. A lot of the time, I will set my alarm intending to be awake by a reasonable time, and then I will turn it off and roll back over and go to sleep again because I reason that there just isn’t anything to get up for as long as I am home and injured. This habit I have created has admittedly caused some depression. I have beaten myself up about being incapable of sticking to my routine, and I have not shown myself much grace in this. I am a creature of habit, and I like everything to be organized and on a schedule. And because of this, I struggle to allow myself the time I need to rest in order to heal. Some days are better than others, but I have definitely struggled most with maintaining my sleep schedule, and my attitude towards myself when I fail to do this. 

I want more than anything to be able to go for a walk with my husband again. That was our way of connecting with each other after a long day, and I really miss it. That time spent after my surgery, between follow-up appointments, was agony because I wasn’t given any instruction of what to do other than to rest, wait, and heal. I hate waiting, especially when I don’t know if what I am waiting for is going to work or be worth it. I knew that this process would be slow, but I still struggle to accept it. 

Now that I have exercises to complete each day through physical therapy, I have a new sense of hope for getting back what I lost. This does not mean, however, that I will be “back to normal” anytime soon. It is going to take a lot of hard work and determination to get back to the way it was before my injury. The achilles tendon is the largest tendon in the human body, and mine was completely cut in two. It had to be re-sewn together, and that caused a lot of trauma. It is now my job to work past that physical trauma, work through the scar tissue, and get myself to a point where I can comfortably move again. It is not going to be a fast process, and there is no guarantee that everything will go back to the way it was before. There are still so many unknowns for me, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, but I am choosing to take this one day at a time, and to see every bit of improvement as a reason to celebrate. I know who holds my tomorrow, and He has great plans for me that I cannot even begin to fathom.

At my last follow-up appointment, where I was referred to physical therapy, I was also cleared to go back to work on restricted duty beginning December first. This was a huge relief for me because I will be able to interact with other people again, and start to reestablish a routine. This has been one of the loneliest times of my life. Between all of the social restrictions put in place due to COVID-19, graduating college and most of my friends moving away, and now this injury restraining me from normal physical activity, a lot has changed in regards to how many people I interact with on a daily basis. I went from the hyper-connectivity of a college campus, to barely interacting with other people. 

My biggest restriction right now with my current circumstances is the place that we live. We live on the fourth floor of an apartment complex with no elevator. Stairs are not my friend right now, and I mainly choose to avoid the discomfort it causes to attempt going down them. Since moving to Spokane I have had few opportunities to connect with others, but my one saving grace has been the church group that my husband and I became a part of the week before my accident. Meeting with that group is the highlight of my week. I love talking to and getting to know them, but that’s only once a week for a couple of hours. The rest of my time is spent indoors. My husband is gone a lot for graduate classes and coaching, so oftentimes it’s just me and our cat, Roo. Granted, she is great company, and quite entertaining to watch! But overall I have missed the connection of the outside world, as well as the sense of purpose that going to work brings. I am very much looking forward to getting this back.

Knowing that I am now in the next part of my healing journey feels good. With the help of professionals, I am beginning to re-strengthen my foot, and get myself back to normal physical functions. I can start to take this situation back into my own hands. I am determined to get past this. Yes, it has been difficult, extremely so, but I have to see the good in this. I am one step closer.

So although I still have a couple of weeks until I can return to work, and most likely multiple months of therapy before I am walking properly again, I have to notice this as progress. Even if it is only one step at a time, it is still a step in the right direction.

*All foot related puns were intended.