Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say to a friend when they are going through a hard time. It’s difficult to know what the right thing to do is that will best benefit them and their needs in that moment. We are called to be brothers and sisters in Christ, uplifting one another and pointing each other towards faith (1 Thessalonians 5:11). But what do we do when words aren’t enough? What do we do when there are no words to give?
I personally struggle with knowing what to do when someone else is suffering, especially when it is something that I have never been through myself. I worry that I will say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, at the wrong time. But there are some things that I have learned, valuable ways to approach these kinds of scenarios, where I can offer support, love, and kindness to those that are hurting in even the smallest of ways. Here are a few ways that you can offer encouragement and support to those that are suffering around you, without being overbearing to the one receiving it. But first, let me preface this post with an important disclaimer that I am not a professional of any kind when it comes to mental health or grief counseling. This is all my personal opinion, crafted from my experience with grief and other struggles, and helping friends through it.
Pray.
As in all situations, begin with prayer. Uplift their hurt to God for Him to do far more than you ever could. Ask Him to work through you, your words and actions, to point the person that you are trying to encourage back to Him and His restorative love.
Know your limitations.
Acknowledge from the beginning that you are not capable of taking that person’s hurt and pain away, only God can do that. Don’t try and be the hero of the story, the one that brought them out of their sorrow and back to God. If that is your motive for helping someone, you are doing it for the wrong reason. You are not meant to be the healer of anyone’s hurt. Leave the restoration and healing to God, the One that created this person in the first place.
He knows exactly what is in their hearts, and the perfect remedy to heal them. If you were to try and force healing when it is not time for it, or in the wrong way, it can cause much more harm than good. You wouldn’t be helping or healing anyone, you would only be bringing in your own flawed version of what you think it means to be healed, and it is most likely not what that person needs.
Ask before you act.
I always try to ask the person that is grieving or hurting what they think would help the most. I don’t act before I get their clear permission that they are okay with it and actually believe it would do them good. If you intend to help out by going to their house and helping with their household chores, as generous as that is, ask before you show up at the door. Surprising a person who is already in pain and feeling out of control rarely helps. In a time of instability, give them the option and control of what you do for them, and when.
Don’t pressure them to respond.
These days when we find out that someone is suffering, our first response oftentimes is to text them. This is all well and good, but we should not be phrasing our well-wishes in a way that demands a response. The person hurting has the right to not respond. We are not entitled to a response. If they need time to grasp what is happening before sharing the information with others, that is their right, and we must respect it.
When I hear about friends or family that are struggling, I try to give them at least twenty-four hours, usually more, before I reach out, especially if it is not someone I communicate with regularly. I will wait even longer if they are not a close acquaintance. And I also do my best to not put the action of initiating the conversation into their hands. When saying that I am there for them, in any way that they may need, I don’t say “text me if you want to get coffee.” I typically tell them that I will check in every once in a while to see if they are available, or even want to meet up or talk. This sets the expectation for them that you will be checking on them, but they don’t have to initiate or respond if they do not want to.
Giving a grieving person the responsibility of initiating the conversation is daunting, I’ve been put into that situation before. it’s overwhelming when you have multiple people telling you that they want to meet with you, and all you can think about is that you are already stretched thin, and how in the world are you going to find the time to coordinate coffee with five different people once per week? Taking the scheduling side of the burden off of that person is the best approach.
Listen.
Sometimes all that is needed when supporting a friend that is in pain is to listen. Let them tell their story in the way that they want to without interrupting them. Asking clarification questions every once in a while is fine, but constantly chiming in with your own not-so-relevant story that kind of goes along with what they’re saying is not helpful. This moment is not about you, so don’t try to turn the focus to yourself. Listen to understand, rather than to respond.
I have been in the situation multiple times where all I want to do is vocalize my pain, and the person that asked for my story won’t let me finish a sentence without trying to finish it for me. This can be extremely hurtful and solidify the feeling of not being worth the time and effort to really connect.
When healing, connection and deep compassion are necessary from those around you. When someone seems willing to give that, and then doesn’t, it just adds to the pain. Set your assumptions and expectations of the conversation aside, and let them say what they need to say. Listen, and then respond with love and understanding, and only after processing what they have so trustingly told you.
Be present.
There is nothing worse than pouring your heart out to someone and telling them all about your struggles, only to have them ask you to repeat yourself because they didn’t actually listen. Multi-tasking is impossible, especially when trying to focus on a conversation with someone. So put your phone down, turn off the tv, and fold the laundry later. If it is an in-person conversation, sit there and be present. Watch their facial expressions, that can tell you more than the words being spoken. Make eye contact, and show that you acknowledge what they said by rephrasing it back to them for clarification.
A distracted conversation is a conversation that you will end up having at least twice, and oftentimes more than that. It’s hard to break the habit of doing something else while on the phone, but try to just sit still while talking with someone. Prioritize the conversation and that person, because they deserve it. I have been on both sides of this. On the one side, where I feel like I am being ignored, it sucks. It makes me feel insignificant, and add that to the struggles already going on, it can cause a mental spiral of doubting my own self-worth. The other side of it, being the one that is distracted, it’s embarrassing to have to admit that you weren’t paying attention enough to hear the other person and have to ask them to repeat what they said.
So let’s all try and be a little bit better about being present with the person that is right in front of us. Truly be that shoulder to cry on, not just a statue that doesn’t reciprocate the emotions and conversation needed for healing.
Sometimes the simplest thing is the best thing.
One of my favorite things is receiving surprise letters in the mail from my friends, and I love sending them too. The simple acts of kindness, the unexpected actions that are small reminders of how loved we are can feel so good. A random text from a friend telling me that they are praying for me, or a funny gif that they sent because somehow they knew I really needed a good laugh at that moment. The smallest things really can be the big things at times. When everything else in life seems too big to handle, you need something small that is palatable and easy to process. What is something you could do that doesn’t take much effort, but could go a long way with those you love simply because it came from you, and it was thoughtful and filled with love?
It’s never easy to care for a friend in pain. It’s incredibly hard to watch as those you love most are struggling so much that it hurts to breath. I currently have a couple friends that I am witnessing this with, and it breaks my heart. Sometimes there is nothing you can do, but hopefully the steps above can give you a starting point of where to go with your desire to help them. A lot of the time though, just knowing that you care and love them is enough. Words of affirmation can go a long way, so start there. I hope this is helpful, and I am praying for healing in whatever situation you have found yourself in.
