My husband and I had the privilege of attending the wedding of two of our good friends from college this past weekend. The groom was the best man in our wedding, and my husband, Garrett, was a groomsman in his. This meant we got to be a part of the entire weekend, from setup to take down. It was wonderful getting to see what all went into the making of the wedding, while also being able to enjoy the freedom of not having to plan anything, only going and doing what we were told.
The ceremony was lovely, and the officiant made good points of what it means to be married, and why marriage is something we do in the first place. But what really stood out to me was the blessing that was read by the officiant that was collectively written by both the bride and groom’s parents. In the blessing, they mentioned that they hoped the two of them would complete each other, but not because they were empty. I loved this important distinction and callout about the purpose and intention of marriage, and it got me thinking about God’s intention for marriage.
God wants us to find the person that we can further His kingdom with. The person that makes us better. The person that turns us towards compassion; and sets our eyes and heart outward of ourselves, and upward towards heaven.
This can seem daunting, finding someone that fits that tall order, but trust me when I say it is possible. I found it with my husband. The call to find a person that completes you, but does not fulfill your purpose, is a strange but necessary balance that God expects from his servants on earth. And he calls us into the covenant of marriage as the ultimate reflection of His kingdom.
The truth is, God is the only one that can see through to the end the fulfillment of your purpose here on earth. Your spouse cannot do that for you. Yes, they can help, but they cannot move the mountains that need to move to make it happen, and they cannot part the sea to make a way. Only God can do that.
So, what should a good and faithful spouse look like? Here are a couple of things that I have found are good to look for in a spouse in order to have a Godly and kingdom-oriented marriage.
- Find someone that puts their faith first.
You should be striving to marry someone that prioritizes their faith in Jesus above all else, including you. Your marriage is not just between you and your spouse. It is between you, your spouse, and God. The stronger the cord between your spouse and God (as well as between you and God) the stronger your marriage will be as a whole, and the stronger of a testament to the kingdom of God your marriage will represent to others.
Ecclesiastes 4:12 tells us that a “cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” This means that with God as both yours and your spouse’s first priority, you can endure and overcome any obstacle, as long as you turn to God and lean on His strength.
One of my favorite books on the topic of marriage, Loveology, by John Mark Comer, puts it this way, “Don’t get married because you think he or she is “the one.” Trust me, they’re not. There’s no such thing! But do get married when you see who God is making somebody to be, and it lights you up.” When you find someone, and it excites you who God is making them to be, that’s a good sign that they are able to withstand the expectations that God puts on us in marriage.
- Find someone that can help you in your God-given purpose.
Support is vital to the success of any endeavor, whether it be from a friend, family member, or complete stranger. The support and help of your spouse (or your future spouse) is needed to be able to fulfill your purpose that God has set before you. It is hard to pursue and live out the plan that God has for your life if the person you are married to cannot share in the excitement or understanding of why you are doing what you are doing.
How can you tell if your significant other, or even just someone you are interested in, can help you in your God-given purpose? Easy, include them in your calling. See how they react, and interact, with who you are as you live for God. Are they judgmental, skeptical, or maybe even argumentative? Or are they supportive, understanding, and eager to see where God will take you?
The latter response is what you are looking for in your future spouse. And if you don’t know what your calling is yet, take them to church. See how they are in that kind of environment, whether it be curious and engaged, or distant and uninvolved. How they interact with their own faith will speak volumes to where they stand with yours.
- Find someone that will admit their sin and need for Jesus.
No one is perfect, and no one is sinless. This goes for your future spouse as well. No matter how many pros there are about them, they will never measure up to being without faults. Refer back to the quote by John Mark Comer and how “the one” doesn’t exist. Your standard should not be the perfect man or woman. Your standard should be the broken and sin-filled man or woman that accepts their sin and turns it towards God to do something with.
God can take the darkest parts of a person, the most messed-up and broken pieces, and shine a new light on them in a way that they are transformed to unimaginable beauty. We need only give Him the chance to do it.
We must hand over our sin, rather than hold onto it. Jesus cannot work in our lives if we do not first give him the materials to work with. He is the potter and we are His clay. We are the material, and we must provide ourselves for God to do His work in us. Find someone that is not only willing, but eager to seek the healing and transformation that only God can provide for them.
“Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.” – Hebrews 12:1-2
- Find someone that gives grace generously and forgives quickly.
We are all children of God, made in His image. This means that we are capable of the love and grace that He shows us each and every day, and we are meant to show it to others around us. Find a spouse to walk with you in grace and forgiveness. Introduce these elements into your relationship, and work to keep them there.
My husband is so gracious to me every time I slip up or make a mistake, and I do the same for him. We forgive each other, and we ask for forgiveness as well. We reciprocate the desire to understand and to love one another in the way that God loves us; unconditionally and without pretenses. Find someone that will be gracious to you, someone with whom you find it easy to do the same in return.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” – Galatians 5:22-23
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So when looking for and considering your future spouse, remember these four things. And know that these are not the only things that make up a great future spouse. Nor are they going to be a guarantee that a person who possesses all of these qualities will be your future spouse.
Many factors are put into choosing a spouse, and this is merely my list of qualities that I believe are important when doing so. But lots of people could possess all of these qualities. That does not mean you could or should marry them. Trust that God has the right person for you, in the right timing. And while you are in a season of waiting for your future spouse, be aware of the characteristics listed above, and turn to God’s Word for reassurance of His intention for your marriage. Seek first His Word, and goodness will follow.
