My husband and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary yesterday. We spent it in Seattle, wandering around the city and doing all of the touristy things together for the first time. And while marriage has been a lot of fun, it has had a lot of learning moments for both of us as well.
Marriage can be a rollercoaster of ups and downs, beautiful moments and really hard ones. In my first year of marriage I have learned so much about myself, my spouse, and our relationship as a couple, as well as how we should be moving forward from here. I wanted to discuss the top ten things that I have learned through this first year of marriage to my husband, Garrett, and how I have seen God moving in our relationship to go beyond ourselves and into the lives of those around us.
- Sharing – Yours, Mine, and Ours
Not only is this a fantastic movie with Dennis Quad and Rene Russo, it is a great concept in real-life marriages. You learn very quickly that what was once yours, now belongs to the both of you. The biggest thing for me here was space. I have always been a home-body with designated spaces where I love to spend a majority of my time alone. I had to learn with Garrett that there is no such thing as privacy unless explicit boundaries are communicated. My room is his room, my bathroom is his bathroom, and my kitchen is also his kitchen.
These were the biggest areas of struggle for me in the space-sharing battle. I like to spread out on the bed when I sleep, and I had to adjust for another person to fit (granted I cannot take responsibility for what my unconscious body does in its sleep). I have learned that if we are both getting ready at the same time in the mornings, that probably means that we might need to be in the bathroom at the same time (lots of room for bonding there). And I have learned that when making food, I should always consider my husband, and offer to get him something as well (don’t worry, he does the same thing for me).
I have to communicate when I want to spend time alone, whether it be to read a book, journal, write, or study my Bible. In these instances, Garrett and I designate spaces where we will each spend our time separately for an agreed upon amount of time, usually the office for him, and the living room for me. And check-ins to see how the other is doing, and if they would like to shift to doing something else together, are always welcome. With both of us being introverts who recharge by being alone, this was a huge thing for us to adjust to, especially when every nook and cranny of our apartment belongs to both of us.
Adjusting to sharing a space, and the items in that space, with another person leaves little room for selfishness. However, it still creeps up from time to time. I still have a hard time offering up the last oreo in the package when I know there isn’t enough to share. In these scenarios, it truly is the thought that counts. Keeping your spouse in mind is a loving act that will go a long way with them. Even just offering to share can speak volumes into the mindset you have on your relationship with your spouse, and it helps them feel appreciated and valued.
- Understanding each other’s boundaries
This concept plays into the first one of sharing. Being up-front and honest with each other about our boundaries within our marriage has been a huge blessing, and has saved us a lot of arguments as well.
There are some rules to boundary setting, though, that should be followed. Below are some of the rules that Garrett and I have agreed upon are beneficial to maintain for our marriage:
- Never create boundaries for the purpose of punishing your spouse.
- Be clear and precise about your boundaries.
- When one spouse is communicating a boundary they have, it is the responsibility of the other spouse to listen fully before they react or respond.
- Accidental breaches of boundaries will be met with grace and forgiveness.
- Any boundaries involving parties outside of the marriage should be established on a mutual understanding between both spouses.
It is important to create clear boundaries with your spouse, letting them know what you are and are not willing to do. Physical boundaries are especially crucial within a marriage, seeing as it is the most physically intimate of all human relationships. Not everyone is comfortable with the same things physically, and establishing what you are willing to do up front at the beginning of your marriage will save a lot of hurt feelings, assumptions, and boundary invasions down the road.
This isn’t to say that those boundaries can’t be flexible or change over time, they can. As you become more comfortable with each other, exploring within the safe confines of marriage is what God has called us to do, and that is a gift. The main emphasis here is that your marriage should not be a relationship where you feel uncomfortable or unsafe to vocalize and communicate your personal boundaries within the marriage with your spouse. All boundaries should be met with love and care for the other person, as well as a desire to understand where that boundary is coming from, and potentially work through it together. Marriage should be the safe zone for expression of boundaries, not the condemning and shaming of them.
An example of a boundary that involves parties outside of the marriage could be how you interact or share time with family, friends, and colleagues. For instance, Garrett and I have agreed that we will not ride in a vehicle alone with someone of the opposite sex who is not our spouse, unless it is an emergency situation. This protects our marriage and the purity within our marriage. It helps to maintain a strong foundation of trust and honesty between us. Boundaries are not meant to be a hindrance to marriage, but rather the safeguards to keeping marriage healthy and God-centered. And as new situations and circumstances arise within our marriage, we adapt and add boundaries as we deem necessary.
- Budgeting money
As soon as we say the word budget, I think a lot of people run for the hills or immediately cringe. I used to never quite understand the reason for budgeting, until it became necessary. Now that Garrett and I are on our own financially as a married couple, having and sticking to a budget has saved us more times than I can count.
Turns out, I’m more of a spender than I thought, especially when it comes to clothes. And it’s weird, because I also hate spending money. Having a budget has helped me to realize this odd characteristic about myself, and to figure out why that might be. Through this last year, we began giving to our church regularly, and this really opened my eyes to why I hate spending money. I always thought it was a guilty pleasure I shouldn’t be afforded. But when we gave the first of our money to God and His church, it changed the way I viewed money from something to feel guilty about, to something we need to steward and should feel blessed for.
But back to the topic of budgeting. We use the Every Dollar app by Dave Ramsey and it is so great for keeping track of where every penny we spend goes. And it is also a Christian based app, so it is centered around the belief that the first of your earnings should be given back to God, and it helps to prioritize that. I highly recommend using this app, or one like it, not so much to limit yourself in what you spend, but to first look at what you are spending your money on, and decide if there are other things that would be a better choice. Since using a budgeting app, Garrett and I have paid off our car, lived under our means which allowed us to take a small vacation for our anniversary, and we have saved to buy a house, hopefully sometime soon.
- Budgeting time
You can’t say yes to everything, and there are only twenty-four hours in each day. I’m sorry if you thought you could be the exception to those rules, but you’re not. Learning what to say yes to, and what to eliminate from our social calendar, has been a struggle. But it has brought about so much fruit in our marriage and has been so worth it.
I love feeling productive. I’m sure I have mentioned that on this blog before, but it is a part of who I am, and it’s important. I have a hard time sitting still for too long, but I also have a difficulty with knowing when enough is enough. I push myself to the limit time and time again, wondering why I am constantly tired. Since marrying Garrett, I have begun to address this and try to slow down my life for the sake of better connection with him and those around us.
Decide as a couple what is important to you and what is not. What would you like to keep on the agenda, and what can you both live without? Feel like you need more time alone together? Maybe you should look into how much time you spend watching TV and movies (we struggle with this one). It’s also okay to have items on this list that are for you or your significant other individually, it’s healthy even. For example, I love to read, but Garrett doesn’t. Garrett loves to play video games, and I don’t. Find ways to balance hobbies and create time for each of you to do the things that you love, without feeling obligated to always include your spouse. Alone time is good, necessary even.
- Using “We” language instead of “I” and “You” language.
This is a big one for me, and such a subtle shift. Once we married, we decided to stop using “I” and “you” language, and instead traded it for “we” language. For instance, I now say “We forgot to take out the garbage,” instead of “You forgot to take out the garbage.” It shows a sharing of responsibility and ownership of tasks, as well as removes the blame from one party or the other. It saves a lot of arguments, trust me.
- Outside connections and relationships
Going off of #4 and budgeting time, who you spend time with outside of your marriage is important. Surround yourself, both within your marriage and as an individual, with people that will speak Truth into your life and relationship. Find the people that will support you, and point out when you are wrong in a grace-filled way.
Garrett and I are a part of a life group at our church meant for young married couples. I find so much life and love when we gather as a group to discuss how God is moving in our lives and our marriages. And the friendships my husband and I have created there are precious to us. We also make sure to give each other time each week to spend with our friends separately. For example, I have a recurring coffee date with a dear friend of mine every other Monday, and I call another friend from back home as often as I can. Those connections are ones to cherish, and I encourage you to find those friendships as well, and hold on to them tightly.
- Communication
I’m a talker, Garrett is not. I show my emotions, Garrett does not. For some reference, my husband is in graduate school to be a therapist. He has mastered the neutral, nonchalant look that drives me nuts when I’m trying to have a conversation with him. And it’s nothing he is doing intentionally, he just forgets he’s doing it sometimes. I have learned to be patient when communicating with Garrett, and Garrett has learned to make sure he has my full attention before he speaks (otherwise I will have to ask him to repeat himself).
Communication is tricky in marriage, especially when you assume your spouse knows what you want or need from them. I have made this mistake many times, and it has never worked in my favor. I have learned to be clear about my needs and desires with my husband, as well as in everyday things such as when laundry needs to be done, or asking him to pull something out for dinner. If you haven’t said it out loud, chances are your significant other will not do what you want.
We’re a long way away from being perfect at communicating with each other, if that’s even a possible achievement, but we work every day to be better at it. And we are quick to forgive if one of us forgets.
- Seeing your spouse succeed is one of the greatest things in the world.
Watching Garrett become the man he is today within the time that we have been together has been a true blessing. And within the last year alone, since we have been married, I get to see him succeed at a much closer level than I ever could before. I see the little struggles, and how he overcomes them. I see the big hurdles and get to help him along the way. Watching the man that I love go through a program that he is great at, and seeing how God is using him to better other peoples’ lives is amazing, and makes me love him all the more for it.
Every day, I get to wake up to my biggest supporter too. This first year of marriage began with a major injury to my right achilles tendon, which had me down for the count for multiple months. I am still recovering from it today, and I am so thankful for all of the support and help that I have received, but no one has been there like Garrett has. He carried me when I couldn’t walk, he served me when I could barely do anything for myself, and he was there for me when I was in pain. He drove me to work when I was able to go back but unable to drive yet, and he has encouraged me every step of the way in my struggle to strengthen my tendon and get back to where I want to be physically. And while I am not there yet, I am hopeful. Garrett is my biggest fan, my strongest supporter, and I wouldn’t be able to do this without him.
- Marriage is a team sport.
You have to work together in a marriage. If you both go into the relationship with different goals, and then expect to come to the same conclusion or result, you will fail. You have to be in the same mindset, have the same dedication for the wellbeing of your marriage.
It is pretty easy to spot when you are working towards a goal that is more self-oriented than us-oriented within your marriage. Usually for Garrett and me, it is when one or both of us becomes distant, over-sensitive to the other’s actions, or irritable at little things. And I will admit, I am the guilty party more so than my husband in this. As I said at the beginning of this post, I have found myself to be a fairly selfish person in my marriage, and I am working to mend that with my husband. But as long as both of us are constantly working towards the same goal, and working with each other rather than against each other, we win. Whether it is a short race, or a marathon, if we see our marriage as “us against the world” rather than “us versus each other,” we will always come out stronger on the other side.
- Have fun!
I married my best friend, and every day is a new adventure with him. He makes me laugh, and I am so thankful for that. Not everything has to be so serious all the time, although there are definitely times for that. I have found, however, that the greatest arguments end with both parties laughing. I have learned not to take myself too seriously as well. I have loosened up a bit, all thanks to Garrett. Laughing and fun are great ways to keep your marriage strong.
So there you have it! Ten things that I learned in my first year of marriage. I am still learning, but I hope that these insights have helped you in your marriage relationship. And if you’re single, know that these things are not something you have to begin working on after you get married. You can begin right now, where you are.